College....

In my freshman year, I started thinking about college. By the middle/end of the year, I had "decided" on doing CollegePlus, an online program that lets you obtain your Bachelor's degree by the time you have graduated from highschool. By my sophomore year, I knew that God didn't want me to be headed in that direction. See, the big reason I wanted to do this was because of my fear of the unknown and my fear of people and, honestly, my fear of pretty much everything. I wanted to stay at home in Stockton in my tiny little comfort zone. But, thankfully, God set me straight. :)
During my sophomore and junior years, I researched Bible colleges because I felt God leading me towards a Bible college. I knew it would be scary to go away from home, but thinking He wanted me to do this, I decided to obey in spite of my fear. By the middle of my junior year, I had decided on Calvary Chapel Bible College in California. This Bible College has courses in youth ministry, missions, and Spanish, all of which I wanted to study. It's inexpensive, pretty close to home, and the theology is very similar to mine. For over a year, this was my decision. Anytime someone asked me where I was going to college, I told them, "Calvary Chapel Bible College". I was super excited for the entire thing: for the beautiful campus, the small college "population", the dorms, the location, the courses....everything. Then......in August(2010) I, just for fun, got on the college website and began talking to someone from the college about the courses. At that time, I found out that there were no youth ministry courses, and the spanish course was not very in depth. So my decision flew out the window. I felt....terrible? scared? anxious? stressed? hahaha...so many different feelings. Since then I have been researching tons of Bible colleges. Everywhere; from Cali to Indiana to Kansas. All kinds of different theologies, however, none "way out there". All different prices; from $23,000 a year to $7,000 a year. There were so many options, and I had no clue how I was ever going to decide. I felt like God wasn't near me at all;like he had deserted me. Good thing, I don't follow after my feelings, eh? I even began questioning whether or not God still wanted me to do youth ministry and missions or whether he wanted me to do something else. Then even more options came up, such as urban youth ministry or church youth ministry....As you can see(maybe), it has been quite the stressful two and a half months, especially since I have been working 32 hours a week and studying super hard for my ACT. But right now, I feel very peaceful. And I'll tell you why!
I THINK my plans have turned around in a circle. They went from going to Bible College in a different state, being independent, having my own friends, being away from home, pursuing youth ministry and missions, and being in a Christian environment to living at home for PERHAPS two years, working part time, buying a car, HOPEFULLY getting more involved with the leadership at the youth group at my church, taking a bigger responsibility in the Mexico missions, and get this, getting my Associates Degree in Spanish at Salt Lake Community College. This is all a big MAYBE. Please, don't say, " I told you so". I've been scared to tell people this because I think they'll say that to me. :) I always told my family I would never work at Maceys. Guess where I work? Then I told them I would never go to SLCC. Guess where I might be going? haha..I love it! I'm still waiting on God to see if this is what he wants me to do. And it's pretty cool, because even though I'm putting my degrees in youth ministry and missions on hold, I'll still be pursuing them at home, just in a different way than I thought! And I'll be able to keep my relationships with my "bible study girl's" and hopefully be able to do more with them since I'll have my license and a car. And the funny thing is, Micah might be doing dual enrollment at SLCC next year, so we'd be all cute and ride together. haha. like I said, I love it! and also like I said, it's a big maybe. I don't have to decide right now anyway. The deadline for colleges are in July. One of the biggest reasons for not doing a Bible college is money. I refuse to get into debt over college like so many people do. And I don't have the money that Bible colleges require. This way, I'll be able to save up a lot of money, and if God wants me to go to Bible college later on, I'll have the funds.
My theory is that, right now, there are way too many possibilities out there that I could do, and I think it's to soon to decide "what I want to do with my life" or what God wants me to do with my life. Staying at home for a year or two and slowly getting out on my own, maybe by then I'll know what to do or where to go.
If you got this far, thanks for bearing with me. This whole topic is super confusing for me in my brain, and getting it out on "paper" is even more confusing. :)

My Feeble Attempt at Poetry

This week for Literature, my book directed me to write a journal entry every day and write poems out of my entries. The point is to make something extraordinary appear out of something ordinary. The ordinary is my daily routine. The extraordinary is something splendid that occurred during that routine. So this is my attempt at that. Have fun!

Monday #1
A few minutes of prayer
Held so much.
Brokeness. An apology.
Ready forgiveness.
Honesty and tears.
Resolution
For the new day.

The new day.
It brought forth rain.
A symbol of cleanliness,
Newness, and purity.

The htought did not come
To me then.
Oh, but it has been
Thought of now.

During those few
Minutes of prayer,
My Savior.
He rained his
Forgiveness on my
Broken and contrite
Spirit.
Just as the rain poured
From the sky
The very next day.

He was pleased.
As was I.

Tuesday #2
His voice unleashed words.
Terrible words.
Words terrible to the hearer, me.
Words not so terrible to the speaker, he.

The painful phrases
Brought to my mind,
Memories.
Memories of guilt,
Anger, Depression,
Sadness, Regret.
And memories of
Forgiveness and Healing
In the end.

Those memories came
From many terrible days.
However, good came.
God's good came.
Just as He promised.

Wednesday #3
Oh, English language
How I despise you.

Oh, timed-English language
How I loathe thee.
Even more.

The last one came after I had taken my first pre-pre-ACT test. It was on the subject of English. And it was timed. I found out that I don't do well with timed-schooly-type-thingys.
So there. That's my feeble attempt at poetry. It certainly is feeble, eh?

Jobbity job

I got a job. It's so weird. I always "dreamed" of me getting a job, but now that it's a reality, it's so weird! I applied for this job at Maceys in May, then again in July. No response came back. Therefore, I decided to apply everywhere in Tooele. I think I applied for about 15 jobs, which is alot for me. I joked about applying at Macey's first, then applying everywhere else, then getting the job at Macey's. I thought I would be annoyed if that happened. It did happen, and I wasn't annoyed. I am very excited, thankful, relieved, scared, nervous....... And that's my job journey. :)

Mexico 2010

This is our group of 34 people. The mime team: Conrad, Nathan, Ross, Rose, Lauren, Amber, and Chris. Worship leaders: Job and Joey. Translators: Carly, Ellen, and Mary Kate. Construction crew: Phil, Ryan, Ron, Nancy, Jenny, Richard, and Kent. Vbs Crew: Jason, Jerry, Carol, Paul, Lisa, Denise, Tim, Seth, Cathy, Corey(driver), and me. Pastors: Darrell and Dave. Team Utah Leaders: Rich and Wendy. Team Colorado leader: Harold.

This trip was super duper amazing. I think it's the best one yet! At least for me. I won't describe every day in depth, just give you the highlights of my trip. But that might turn into a lot, so I hope you like to read!
First of all, in May we had 7 people signed up to go including my parents and me. Now you can't do much down in Mexico with just seven people. My mom was extremely stressed out about it, thinking that we wouldn't even do any VBS's at all. But then God answered our prayers three weeks before the trip. 18 people from Canon City, Colorado signed up to go, including a fluent translator! We were totally blown away and amazed. Their church consists of about 1200 people(or so I was told) and they had quite a bit more money than we did. :) So they took on buying the snacks for VBS, the shampoos, conditioners, etc for the jail, the tracts and Bibles, and so much more. We so appreciate all that they did. We could not have done it without them!

My parents and I left Thursday morning(two days before the rest of the group). This was the most confusing part ever! We drove all day and arrived in Tucson that night. The next morning we drove to Rio Rico and stopped at Kay and Victor's house to pick up some stuff and visit with them. Then we drove across the border to San Lazaro, dropped off all of our stuff at the dorm, drove back to and through the border(my dad got to drive across but we had to walk. at least it wasn't a busy saturday!). For the rest of the day we shopped for tons and tons of food. Then we drove across the border once again, stopped at Rafa's, then drove to the dorm and spent the night. The next morning(Saturday) we spent cleaning the dormitory and organizing all the food we had bought the day before in preparation for the 17 people coming to stay! Then we headed back through the border and to Tucson to shop at Costco for like 4 hours. That was extremely difficult. I was loading stuff into our van from our four carts in the sweltering heat, completely tired and sweaty and dirty, and these red ants kept biting my feet, and I had just hit my head, and I was just like, "Am I really serving God in this way?" Cuz I really did not want to be there at that moment. But I realized that yes, I was. Without my help(not trying to sound prideful), it would have taken my mom a lot longer to find all the stuff she needed in that fast of time. So see, I really can serve God wherever I am! Anyway, after we had finished there we headed to the hotel finally. :) That night we picked up Kate at the airport(very exciting; I hadn't seen her for a month cuz she was in Costa Rica) and met all the Canon City people during our meeting. Despite all the confusion of people, food, vans, hotels, crossing the border 4 times, stores, etc. it went pretty smoothly. My mom and dad and I were very thankful that the confusion was over that night. The week ahead didn't seem as confusing, but pretty well planned with lots of people helping.

So now the real Mexico journey begins! Sunday morning we had another meeting-a prayer meeting. Then we loaded up the vans; my dad took the mime group plus Kate, the translator, and Job across the border to Colosio. He then came back. By the time he came back the San Lazaro group was loaded up and eating at Carl's Jr. See, this year we only had three vans( which held 30 people) going across the border. We had 33 people plus a week's worth of food and VBS supplies and construction supplies. This is why my Dad made two trips. I don't know how we fit everything in! We arrived in San Lazaro at abou 4:30 pm. As soon as all the stuff was taken out of the vans, the construction crew started working right away on all of the bunk beds. They were so amazing. Nancy, Jason, Joey, Carly, Jenny, Jerry and I set out to pass out 100 fliers. We handed out about 60 I'd say before it started raining. We were wimps compared to the construction crew. They continued to work in the pouring rain.

Monday morning a few of us drove to Santa Cruz to pass out fliers-here we passed out all 100 and Carly, our translator, was able to meet an older woman who lived in the town. She told Carly and Joey how the town was filled with drugs and only 4 Christians lived there; she was a Christian, however. She said she wasn't able to trust anyone. It was really cool that Carly was able to talk her to though. That's why we're there, to build relationships with people. She offered her house to us whenever we need it. It was super cool! That afternoon we had our first VBS in San Lazaro. The craft went really well-rainsticks and tambourines. As soon as Carly started teaching with the flannel graph rain started pouring! We were at la concha(the basketball court) which has a metal roof, so the rain really made a lot of noise. We sent them home early cuz there wasn't any point in us trying to teach when they couldn't hear. Then the fun began! My dad had taken the keys to the van back to the dorm and no one wanted to run back in the pouring rain to get them. So Hosue and I ran back as fast as we could, told my dad to bring the keys, then we ran back just for the fun of it. He and Phil were wimps though. They drove in the van to the court to let Phil out to drive the other van back. It's like a five minute walk. What babies. :) Phil drove back, but most of the VBS team walked back in the rain. We were walking past a humongous puddle and Phil decides to drive through it super fast-twice- to get us wet. Nasty, dirty, muddy water. It was so fun though! Then Jerry splashed me with the nasty water and I dumped my bottle of water on him. Water fights in Mexico are the best. So are the monsoons!!

Tuesday morning we traveled to Santa Cruz for the worst VBS I've ever seen in my life. The kids were rude, ungrateful, loud, bratty....One kid was the ringleader of the town. All the kids obviously looked up to him, and he kept starting fights with all the kids. My mom and her friend Carol prayed over the group as Carly was teaching. I didn't think it would make a difference. Then she told one really loud kid that if he didn't stop he would have to go home. He stopped and listened the best out of the entire group! The prayers did make a difference! As soon as we got in the van to leave, we prayed over the entire city and all the kids. During devotions that night, we prayed for the same thing. During devotions the next morning we did the same. And when we got to Santa Cruz the next morning we prayed again before we even got out of the van. I kept wondering, "Will there even be a difference?" I asked God to show me something miraculous so that I could know that prayer really does work. I know it works, but I lack faith in it-or I did. Because after what happened to those kids, I have so much more faith in prayer! It was like a night and day change. The kids helped us unload the van; they thanked us; they smiled at us; they cooperated. When we told them we were coming back the next day, they cheered. I couldn't believe it. God truly amazed me that day, and I will never forget it.
Another cool thing was this: Every other year I've gone down, there have been teenage girls with me. This year the only teenagers in San Lazaro(until Wednesday) were Joey and I. So this year I didn't have to be shy with the girls in San Lazaro and Santa Cruz. I didn't have another girl to compete with. So I was able to play tag( or ronya as they call it) with them at every VBS and in our free time. It was so much fun! It doesn't sound like much, but every other year I would be shy and jealous that the other girls got to play with them, hold their hands, hug them... It was just super duper fun!

Wednesday afternoon after a great VBS in Santa Cruz, the Colosio team( 16 people) arrived at about 3PM at the dormitory. Of course I got my guard up and tried to look cool.....I hate that about myself. But I got out of my comfort zone thankfully. I introduced myself to all of them and talked to them, not even thinking about it. It was amazing; God was really encouraging me to be bold. I even talked to guys without feeling awkward! Yay! And I did most of this without thinking about doing it. If I had thought about doing it before hand, I bet I wouldn't have done it!
By Thursday morning, all the bunk beds were made-28 in three days! The construction crew worked so hard all day long, barely taking any breaks at all. Because they were made, most of the construction crew was able to go to Cuitaca with us for a first VBS. It was really fun. We stayed for quite a while doing crafts, teaching, songs( another bold moment for me. I got up in front of all the kids and led them in "Dios no esta muerto" or "God's not dead". Yep. Me. Shy little Abi. I did have a bit of help, but even singing in front of people was courageous for me!), games(water balloons!), and the drama team presented their drama. Later in the day we headed back to Santa Cruz for our last VBS. It wasn't really a normal VBS, just playing with the kids. The drama team did their mime for the kids too. I got to play ronya with the girls one last time. I also was able to give New Testaments to four of the pre-teen girls I had hung out with a lot. I showed them and underlined my favorite verse for them, and Carly tranlslated to them that I would be praying for them( and I have been!).

Thursday night the pastor's conference began. I think three years ago the churches that we help in Mexico changed to the Vineyard denomination. Therefore, every year they have a celebration. This year our trip happened at the same time their celebration began. That wasn't the best decision ever. :) We had our 33 people plus two from the Salida, Colorado Vineyard, needing a place to sleep. There were about 10 adults and 15 children from Sinaloa(the state below Sonora) plus about 10 other adults and children from Hermosillo, Colosio, and Nogales. So about 50 Mexican pastors came down. My mom thought at first that we would have to fit them all into the dorm. I think there are about 35 beds in the dorm. And we had 75 people total. That scared us for a while. Many of them stayed in other houses in San Lazaro. There were three or four rooms taken up by Mexican people in the dorm; the rest by American women. All the American guys slept in the church, tents, and vans. So it worked out well, thank God! Anway. That night we had worship and a sermon from Darrell Evans(my pastor). It was great. I cried during pretty much the whole service. I guess I'll explain why: Every year I went down since I was about seven I would play with two girls named Lowda and Luz Amalia(forgive my spelling). Over the years as they became teenagers, they kind of stopped talking to me. I don't know why. Either out of shyness or they "were too cool for me". And I was too shy to talk to them first. This year I found out that Lowda is married and pregnant. She's sixteen. Luz Amalia is also married. To a twenty one year old. She's fifteen and pregnant. It seriously broke my heart. I couldn't stop thinking about them during the service. It's not fair. Just because their culture is to get married young, doesn't mean they should have had too. Just because the guys down there don't care about the girls, and the girls give in to the sexual temptation, didn't mean it had to happen to them. But it did. And it makes me so angry. And so sad. All I can do is pray for a change. And I know that if it is in God's will to change that, he will. Maybe even through me, but I don't know.

Friday we had our last VBS in Cuitaca. The kids spent most of the morning coloring the t shirts that Phil, Richard, Corey, and Jerry had made in Utah. They all said, "Jesus me ama" or "Jesus loves me". They were so cute! Friday afternoon during a service for the pastor's conference, our team made dinner for 75 people! It was so much fun! Tiring and hot, but very fun. After the service and dinner and clean up, we headed to la concha for a last drama presentation. At first, nobody watched. Everybody was super loud. But as the drama progressed people noticed. Cars stopped and watched. People cried. Afterwards Rafa gave the salvation message. I thought it was hopeless because everyone started turning away and not listening. But two teenage boys, who had disrupted a couple of our VBS's, accepted Jesus as their Savior. It was simply amazing. I was able to give them New Testaments and tell them that I would be praying for them. I loved it.

Saturday morning we left for the border. We spent a couple of hours at the market, met at Mcdonalds, then traveled to Rio Rico to pick up the Colorado group's van. But it started pouring rain. Like a monsoon; it was so cool! But we couldn't really unpack the vans or anything. I was already pretty wet from the rain leaking through the window onto me. So Kate and I decided to get out and wash off our group's van which was extremely muddy. So not being able to see much and with one rag, we scrubbed at the van. Then Ross, Nathan, and Jerry joined us. We had a blast getting soaked. Finally, the rain let up and we were able to unpack the van so that my dad and Phil could take it back to Tony's house. Then we traveled to our Tucson motel, had dinner and our debriefing meeting. A bunch of us swam for a couple of hours then proceeded to pull an all nighter with our great friends from Colorado. I only made it to 1:30. A couple stayed up the whole night since the Colorado group left at 4:30am. The Utah group left at 7 and arrived home at about 10.

Once again, this was sincerely an amazing trip. God really helped free me from my fear of kids, guys, crowds, hugs, new people, etc. I really felt a new boldness creep into me without even knowing it. I did things out of faith. It has really strengthened me. The only thing he did not take the fear away from was: bugs. I will always be afraid of them. Yuck. I am also completely changed in having faith in prayer, as I mentioned already. And God gave me some really amazing friends that I hope I will have for a while. If you made it this far, you're pretty cool! I didn't mean to write this much, but when I start writing about what interests me, I can't stop! Obviously. Maybe this blog will help you to realize how much you want to come down to Mexico. :) I hope so! It's seriously wonderful down there. And you should totally come.
Well thanks for reading! Until next year(or October)!

This is my second "best friend", Nathan.

The kids coloring shirts.

My best friend, Jerry. :)

My seester, Mary Kate and I all dressed up for the pastor's conference

A little girl with whom I played tag.

It rains so much in July. It's their monsoon season. Most people don't like it, but I love it. I love getting stopped in the roads because there is a huge puddle of water. I love having water fights in the rain. I love the rainbows.

Yep. We sure do make the best faces ever. Jerry, Conrad, Kate, Ross, Nathan, and me.

Jesus helped with the painting in the dorm a lot. He was super cute!

Hosue and me. He's my best buddy down there. And nothing more! :)

Carly and the women she was able to talk to in Santa Cruz.

All the rest of my photos are on facebook. Here is the link if you want to look at them! http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2063852&id=1559100036&l=b2fdc4028f

A Revelation

Yeah, I know that sounds very Christianese, but I don't know what else to call it. Let me explain:

For a while now, I have been struggling with serving God right here and right now. I keep saying, "If I just lived somewhere else, I'd be able to serve God better." But God keeps telling me that I can serve him right here in Stockton. Somehow. Someway. God has placed me where I am for a reason.
Last night I read Romans 5:2-5, and verses 3 and 4 really stood out to me. They say, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." A couple of nights ago, Kate and I were talking about how hard it has been growing up in Stockton. But she explained that if she hadn't lived here, she wouldn't have achieved the character she has today. Character. Pretty sure she said that exact word. And I understand that completely. If I hadn't grown up here in the loneliness without friends, I definitely would not have the relationship with God that I now have. I've been able to focus on him so much out here without the distractions of friends and events. Though it's extremely hard, I really am glad I grew up in the middle of nowhere. :) I have character because I have persevered by living out here.
When I got home from Mexico, I did not want to be here. I wanted to go back. I was even thinking of going to college next February instead of next August because I did not want to be in this place. Not that I hate Stockton or anything, but I just feel so useless out here. After a week of go-go-go, serving God every single day actively, it was just a pain to come back here with nothing to do. So I was talking a little bit about that with my friend Nathan last night. And he told me to read the Romans passage. Which I did, and God confirmed for the third time that I'm here for a reason. Now that I have the character(although I don't think God is done working on my character, at least I hope not!), I have hope for the future. Hope that I will always have a purpose wherever I go and in whatever I do. That really gives me great hope. And it excites me! I serve an amazing and wonderful God, and I know that full well!

Lazy American Christians

Lazy Christian

Yeah. I'm talking about you. You who got that pedicure. Did you know that with the money you spent on that pedicure you could have freed 68 children from worms?
And that Starbucks coffee you Christian rockstars buy more than three times a week. Did you know you could have fed more than 9 children for a day?
You American Christians disgust me. Did you know that there are Christians FROM America who are risking their lives in different countries? I know of a guy who lives in Afghanistan right now. He is risking his life teaching and preaching to men and women. But what are you doing? Going to church? Feeding the homeless once a month? Donating some old clothes? Great job. That's just amazing. You're doing so much to further his kingdom. 2 Timothy 1:8 "So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God." Are you suffering for God? I highly doubt it. Suffering because you are testifying about him? Probably not.

It seems like Christians in America are just waiting for Jesus to come back. They aren't doing anything to further his kingdom. They're just sitting around. It drives me crazy! There's this aching in my soul that just makes me want to go out and knock some sense into Christians in this disgusting country. Do you not know that hundreds of people are dying every single day? Why aren't you doing anything about it? Why? I don't understand you. At all. Why is it so important to buy the best house, your favorite furniture, matching dishes? Can't you be satisfied with the many clothes and shoes you have instead of constantly buying more and more? Aren't you ever satisfied? You are so selfish. Everything you do is about yourself. You barely do anything for Jesus. He gave his whole life for you, and you can't even stop spending money on things that you can't take with you to heaven. Everything you buy here stays here. When you get to heaven, are you going to look back and say, " Man, all those spas and pedicures were such a good investment." Yeah, I doubt it. Maybe you should think before you spend.

Matthew 28:19-20"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." This is supposed to be our life. Can you really ask yourself if you're doing this and say, "Yes."?
Our life on this earth is so short! It may seem long, but compared to eternity, it's short. Think about the unsaved. They are being damned to hell. And what are you doing about it? You have the greatest gift of all, Jesus' love and salvation, and you are hiding it from this world! Why? Because you're ashamed of it? Because you are so caught up in the pleasures of this world? Because you don't have time? Think about it.

Do you think Paul would have gone on a cruise? Would Mary Magdalene have gone to the spa once a month? You're so obsessed with consumerism. That's all you think about: what else can I get? what else can I spend my "hard earned" money on? Did you ever stop to think that heaven will have all this? Why do you need it here on earth? Why can't you spend your "hard earned'' money and save starving children? Stop abortion. Give clean water. Buy animals for needy families. Send children to school. Get teenagers out of the sex trafficking. But no. It's all about you isn't it? Stop being so selfish!

I desperately want to leave America. I hate it here. I hate all the distractions it provides us(me) with. I hate spending my money on lame things that I later regret. I hate living with selfish Christians. I want to go to a country where there aren't as many distractions. Is there such a thing? Is it selfish to want to leave here? I don't know......

[ Just in case you think I'm "judging you"(since everyone hates that so much), this isn't centered on one person or on anyone in particular. And when I say you, I mean me too. I know I'm "lazier" than I should be as a follower of Christ, but I'm changing that.]

The Law and Sin

I finally got it!!! I have been reading Romans 6 and 7 for the past couple of weeks(with a commentary) and I was very confused on one subject. It kept saying that the law wasn't sin, but it increased sinning. I know for sure that the law is not sin, since God gave it to us. Why would a perfect God give us a sinful law? What would be the point anyway since the point of the law is to keep order and justice? Anyway...I couldn't figure out how the law increased sin, when I thought it was to keep us from sinning. And this morning I finally understood it. The commentary explained it this way: when someone forbids you from doing something, you automatically get interested in that forbidden act. It's just part of human nature. So the law(the Ten Commandments) commands us not to do certain things(adultery, coveting, disobeying our parents, worshipping other gods, etc) and we automatically get interested in those sins. So that's how it increases trespasses. If the all knowing God knew it would increase trespasses, why did he give it to us? Because the Israelites needed some form of order and justice. And so do we, over three thousand years later! So even though it does increase our sinning, it's also the best form of government and order God could have provided for us. At least that's my opinion!

A little boy

Recently on Facebook I have seen many statuses about praying for a little boy named Kobe. I had seen statuses like this before, but I finally decided to see why he needed so much prayer. After reading about him on the internet, I realized that he has some kind of an immune problem that involves his liver and lungs. I don't really understand all the technical terms, but I understand that he is constantly in the hospital; he breathes through tubes; he has to undergo surgery, etc. This little boy is only seven. Seven. I can't even imagine what he has experienced. This is the kind of situation that unbelievers look and at say, "How can a loving God cause a little boy so much suffering?" I've always heard the answer to that: sin. Sin causes suffering like that. I've always understood that until now. I trust that God has a plan for his life, and for his stressed and worried families' lives. But I don't understand why God has to make Kobe be in pain. Maybe through all this it will strengthen his family's relationship with God. Maybe later on in his life, Kobe will look back and see the miracles God performed in his life. Maybe. Life is full of maybe's and what if's. I still don't understand though. He's so little and innocent! I can't make sense of it. I don't even know this little boy. I only know his family from when I was very little myself. So why has this hit me so hard? I have no clue. It just doesn't seem fair. But it has to be fair, because the God I love and trust in is a just God. I believe that with my whole heart. I believe that he is just. I just still don't understand. But if I did understand everything that is not understandable in this world, there would be no need for God. I guess that's my conclusion. Sometimes confusing things happen in this world that seem so unfair and unjust and un-God-like, but I have to just keep trusting in the faithful God I know is there.

This is the sign of his faithfulness.

Comfortable America

Paul: He spent every day bringing glory to God; evangelizing to Gentiles and Jews alike; every breath was centered on Christ and the Great Commission, to bring the good news to the whole world. His whole life(after his conversion) was dedicated to the cross. When I think of Christians these days, I have an ache in my heart. We are so selfish. We claim to love Christ and claim that our whole lives are his. But are they? Shouldn't we be spending every day evangelizing and preaching? In America, we're just so focused on ourselves and materialism. We are so focused on getting that perfect whatever... Even if it's cheap, do we really need it? Couldn't we give that money to someone in need instead of spending selfishly on our selves? We have enough! we don't need more! It kills me. It makes me so angry and sad. I want to change it, but I feel so helpless. I want to be like Paul, but in America it seems so impossible. I don't understand it fully. I don't understand how I can change it when I can't even speak what I feel. When I can't even write or pray what I feel. I don't understand. This life is so confusing.

I read about lives being changed and churches rising up in places like Peru and Afghanistan and India, and I want to go there. I want to preach the news there since lives are changed there. Maybe it's cuz it seems like lives don't change here in America. Teens go to conferences like Acquire the Fire and are changed for a couple of weeks or months, but then they get sucked back into the life they used to live. I want to live in a place where you can't get sucked back into that because it's poverty stricken and there's nothing to get attached to like malls and the internet and what not. But then I feel selfish because maybe God wants me to stay in America and spread his news where it's even harder to spread...I really don't know.

I'm not trying to judge(since so many people get so defensive on that subject). I do the same. I spend my money on things I don't need. I'm too comfortable here. I don't want to live in comfort anymore. I want to go away from comfort, from America. But maybe God doesn't want me to go away? I know it's possible to be uncomfortable in America. Very possible. But the comforts are always near... I hate it. Ugh.

You may not even understand what I'm saying. all these thoughts come to my mind and I try to write them down as fast as I can, but they get all jumbled. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. :)Hopefully you'll understand though.

These are houses if you can believe it. That's what I can't stand.And this is a church. It doesn't have a coffee shop or a book store or flashing lights. It doesn't even have a bathroom. This church is huge compared to the previous one. They are so thankful for it. They are thankful that it won't be flooded or destroyed due to the retaining wall behind it. They are thankful that they have boards as a ceiling instead of card board like their last one.

Different..

..describes me. Especially my thoughts. When I worked for the catering last week, all I could think about were the people's empty lives around me. How lost they were and how boring or hard their lives seemed. Other times, I think of teenagers. Although I'm one, I'm so different then all of them. I keep to myself. My thoughts are centered on Christ and how daily I can grow more in him. Sometimes it feels like I'm alone in this thought process. Like there's no other teenager out there who wants to be sold out to Christ. I know that's not true, but I know no one. It breaks my heart. Which is why I think of them. And pray for them. And reach out to them. But it feels so hopeless sometimes. I feel so small and insignificant in this world. But I know I'm not. With Christ I can do all things. I just have to lean on him. I think I think too much. I'm so quiet and usually don't speak about serious matters because it either causes me to cry or I can't get my feelings or opinons out the way I want to... That's why I think so much. It drives me nuts sometimes cuz I can't get to sleep or I get nauseous cuz it makes me so depressed....I'm unusual. But this is how God created me. Hopefully my intense thoughts and silence will bring glory to the Glorious one! Somehow.....